Fear and Faithfulness

Last Thursday I posted this picture of Elli's preschool scrapbook and alphabet book that her teacher sent home on her last day of school. I had just dropped them off and parked at the nearby park to head out for a run, but as I flipped through the pictures and pages, I couldn't hold back the tears.

Most of the tears were grateful. Grateful for the Lord's hand in our family for the last three years of calling to part-time ministry at our church. He has led, provided, and affirmed the whole time. The mother's day out and preschool the girls used was certainly one of these ways. God has been so good, and that brought many thankful tears.

 But I spent every step of those five miles praying through the other tears. The ones of fear. As confident as I feel in the Lord's calling to this new season of being at home with the girls, there are also some unknowns. Some risk. All my insecurities as a wife and mom bubbled up to the surface as I asked my big girl to say goodbye to her friends and her beloved Ms Aimee. Will I be able to teach her to read? To add, subtract, etc? Will she enjoy being at home with me as much as she has loved her time with Miss Aimee? Will the life I live in front of my girls 24/7 be enough? Will the home I make for them be a window to their Creator and Lover of their souls? And so many more doubts...

(Elli + Ms Aimee)

In the midst of all the doubt and anxiety, I have found myself clinging to the truths of Psalm 37 these last few weeks. Only by trusting in His faithfulness can I ever hope to be faithful. Only by rooting my heart in the truths of His Word will I be able to overcome my fears and move forward on this next journey. He is "ever merciful and lends." "The law of his God is in his heart, none of his steps shall slide."

Psalm 37

³ Trust in the Lord, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
⁴ Delight yourself also in the Lord,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the Lord,
Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass.
⁶ He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,
And your justice as the noonday.

⁷ Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him;
Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.
⁸ Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;
Do not fret—it only causes harm.

 ²³ The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord,
And He delights in his way.
²⁴ Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down;
For the Lord upholds him with His hand.

²⁵ I have been young, and now am old;
Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken,
Nor his descendants begging bread.
²⁶ He is ever merciful, and lends;
And his descendants are blessed.

²⁷ Depart from evil, and do good;
And dwell forevermore.
²⁸ For the Lord loves justice,
And does not forsake His saints;
They are preserved forever,
But the descendants of the wicked shall be cut off.
²⁹ The righteous shall inherit the land,
And dwell in it forever.

³⁰ The mouth of the righteous speaks wisdom,
And his tongue talks of justice.
³¹ The law of his God is in his heart;
None of his steps shall slide.